me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I can’t wait!
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being