[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Oceanography is all about current events
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My five year plan is a meteorite
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.