I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
fr
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly