*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock