you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.