I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.