[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
You Might Also Like
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat