This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
They’re really bad with fonts.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
🤣🤣🤣
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.