in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Dune (2021)
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.