The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Okey dokey.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You’ll be OK
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.