Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Friday
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣