I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
You Might Also Like
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting