8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
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When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it鈥檚 probably cupcakes.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let鈥檚 say you鈥檝e been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I鈥檓 watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren鈥檛 allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
seems fine
doctor: I鈥檝e never lost a patient and I鈥檓 not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I鈥檓 not giving you any money for that.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.