The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I had to Stop for this
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air