TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?