[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Come back with a warrant
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?