This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Never be a pizza!
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.