My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
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Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
very niche meme I made
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Bill is short for Billiam
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals