Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
sigh
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case