me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”