You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
i think we should see other cousins
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.