I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
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The Compass
#DesignFail
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
That’s easy for you to say
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr