“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.