going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher