Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.