Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
this article brought to you by lions
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.