Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
You Might Also Like
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
the three branches of government
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
wait.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits