“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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Planet of the Apps.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please