Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
back to work
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
a lot to unpack here
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.