I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
You Might Also Like
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day