So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Dear Lord..
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: