As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
You Might Also Like
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
guys i’ve cracked the code
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”