People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Not all heroes wear capes…
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.