When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…