All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive