Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.