[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Lassie, get help!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?