Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
HOW DARE YOU
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?