Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
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From Facebook just now…
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym