okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”