Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.