Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“The Perfect Relationship”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Meanwhile in Canada…
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.