Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
omg leave her alone
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
doing your own taxes
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.