[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.