My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You Might Also Like
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Don’t we all.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed