Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Thrilling chase underway
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”