Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.