Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Yes
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.