Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Thursday
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.