How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled